Tickling Your Funny Bone

TICKLING YOUR FUNNY BONE

By Vicki Ellis Griffis

with help from Google, Bing, and Yahoo Searches

Including Annie Binns and others who stole the thoughts from my mind before I could think of them

(Oh, Yeah, In the Places Where You Laugh Hysterically, Those Were My Original Thoughts)

Children’s author EB White once said, “Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested, and the frog dies.” Never being one to shrink from a challenge, I set out to make humor interesting for you and to tickle your funny bone.

Seriously, as Annie Binns says, laughter has instantaneous health benefits including: relaxation, lowering your blood pressure, increasing your immune system response, and curing male pattern baldness. Well, the research is still out on that last part. . .but if it is true, some of you men need to laugh a lot more! Seriously, you cannot be serious about writing funny.

How does one write funny? Well, for starters, if you are right-handed, write with your left hand and vice versa. If you are ambidextrous, use your feet. Your writing will look so funny.

Next, you really need to come from slightly warped parents or have been such a parent. Clearly, if you've got completely normal parents (or were one) then writing funny is probably not your genre. But if you have the sort of parents who did skits to the song Paul and Paula—but your mom was Paul and your dad was Paula—in front of your whole high school, or a mother who was Polly Darton in a country western band—complete with enhancements—then you may be warped enough to see the humor in the macabre and even crazier to write about it. Come to think of it, my son and daughter should be best-selling authors!

You say, “Vicki, I just can’t write funny—it is just not how I roll—where would I start?”

Start with a piece of paper and pen, an app on your iPhone, a small recording device, or if necessary, the palm of your hand. If you hear laughter—perk up, listen, and start writing or typing or talking into your phone. I have used napkins. . .envelopes. . .my granddaughter’s diapers. . .or the cool side of my pillow when I was too lazy to get up.

Important: YOU WILL NOT REMEMBER it when you get home or wake up in the morning! It will be gone—Nada—Sayonara! Believe me. Many a funny moment has been consigned to oblivion because I thought I would remember—literally went in one thought and out the other.

Have you ever heard anything that gave you a big belly laugh? Borrow it! One of my favorite lines in one of my chapters in our soon to be released book Jest the Two of Us is Ma Katie saying, “If there is one thing that dills my pickle, it is. . . .” Perfect saying when I needed it. My mom used to say, “I will cloud up and rain all over you and make you walk home in the mud!” And, “I am fixing to get in your eyes and sting like onions and burn like pepper sauce.” Yep, used them! When you hear something like that, you will use it at one time or another. It is okay! Now you cannot take a whole column or a chunk of story from one that has already been written, (disregard this column on that advice), but hearing snippets or phrases is usable and valuable.

If you can laugh, you can make someone else laugh at the thing that made you laugh. Kind of like the song, “I was laughing back to see if you were laughing back to see if I was laughing back to see if you were laughing back at me! You were cute as you could be, standing laughing back at me, and it was plain to see that I’d enjoy your company!” Well, maybe that is a stretch in humor, but that is my point. Don’t try to force humor like I just did. It won’t be funny. . .well, maybe that was a little funny. . .or I giggled when I wrote it anyway.

You might say, “But, I write poetry | fiction | a blog | non-fiction | screenplays | on bathroom walls.” Perfect, Ann! Humor can make any piece of writing more. . .well. . .funny!

Don’t let fear of being funny hold you back when the subject is serious. Here’s an example from Robert Schimmel’s memoir Cancer on $5 a Day* (*Chemo Not Included)

This stupid hospital gown is riding up my tail. I try to pull it down, and it snaps right back up like a window shade. I cross my legs, and suddenly I’m Sharon Stone.

He truly had a serious subject and proved sometimes you have to laugh to keep from crying.

Last, but certainly not least, when all else fails, laugh at yourself! And give your readers permission to laugh at you. Sammy and I have written many columns when we were out of ideas and were listening to each other talking to other people. When we heard a laugh, a column formed. A lot of our ideas start with, “Remember the time. . . .” and the memories have us laughing until beverages shoot out of our sinus orifices.

And we write it down, so we can make you and others laugh. Or at least that is what we pray for. And we know God has a sense of humor—because he made us zany people called WRITERS!

Coauthor of Jest the Two of Us, A Humorous Look at His and Her Columns

Available at 

http://www.amazon.com/Jest-Two-Us-Humorous-Columns-ebook/dp/B00YLWDARI/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1435623828&sr=1-1&keywords=Jest+the+Two+of+Us

Now in Kindle

 

NOW IN KINDLE! JEST THE TWO OF US!

 

http://www.amazon.com/Jest-Two-Us-Humorous-Columns/dp/1507560818

Jest the Two of Us - And they said it wouldn't last!

By Carol Ferguson

Herald-Banner Staff

When Sammy and Vicki Griffis got married, they were told it wouldn’t last.

“We were practically just babies; I was just out of the Army,” said Sammy, laughing.

“I was just about out of high school,” chimed in Vicki, adding, “I saw him and he didn’t have a chance.”

Now, 46 years later, they’re still married, and are celebrating their lives together with a new book titled “Jest the Two of Us: A Humorous Look at His and Her Columns.”

However the family includes more than “jest” two. There are son, Jeff; daughter, Stefani; and three grandchildren, Austin, Katelyn and Kylie.

The couple owned Celeste Insurance Agency, but their daughter now owns it. They are retired.

The writing began once their children were in school, said Vicki.

“People would come into the insurance office saying funny things, and I took them over to Dale Gibson who was running the Celeste Star,” she said. “I became the paper’s ‘Candid Reporter,’ with stories running every week. Then,

after the Star closed, I was asked to do ‘Reflections in the Mirror’ for the Wolfe City Mirror. Later, Lorane Mitchell started the Celeste Tribune (the city’s current semi-monthy paper) and asked me to write for it.”

Sammy came into the writing picture almost as a standin, initially, for his wife.

“I worked full-time for Proctor and Gamble in Dallas,” he said. “Sometimes her duties would overwhelm her, and periodically I would write a column for the Tribune for her when she didn’t have time. People started to ask when I would writeagain. I was putting in spins and quips for the Celeste Alumni Yahoo group, and they would say, ‘When are you going to write a column again?’” The upshot was that they each began doing columns for alternating issues of the Tribune, and the idea for combining their work in a book followed.

“I had started going to meetings of the Silver Leos writing group at Texas A&MCommerce,” said Vicki. “Dr. Fred Tarpley (the group’s mentor) encouraged me. This was going to be a Tarpleyproduced book, but then he got ill and I didn’t want to bother him with this. My aunt, Patricia Ann Vance, who has been a journalism teacher in the Houston area for 30 years, edited and formatted the book for us.”

The columns deal with amusing incidents in family life, the kind of stories that readers, and especially those who are parents or grandparents, can identify with. Naturally the two columnists each have their favorites among the stories they have written.

“My favorite column is the one titled ‘I Can Quit Anytime I Want To,’” said Vicki. It deals with shouting opinions at referees when children or grandchildren are involved in a school-sponsored game.

Sammy said his favorite of his own columns is “A Thing of Beauty.” While mowing the yard, he begins to muse about things that still remain in the yard — an old sandbox, the remnants of a tree house, the basketball backboard and goal (minus its net) — all connectedwith precious familymemories.

Vicki, who says she’s a latenightperson, does all of herwriting after everyone is asleep.

Sammy, on the other hand, explained,“I have to go in a room by myself with my mind set to write. If I try it with other stuff going on, I can’t.

That’s why I’m just a better writer than she is,” he added jokingly.

This kind of back-and-forth bantering permeates their work as well as their lives.

Actually their book is also a celebration of small-town life.

Sammy grew up in Celeste and graduated from high school there. Vicki went to Greenville High School for 11 years, but finished at Celeste.

“In a small town, if the kids are doing something wrong, neighbors and friends will tell you,” Sammy said. “And small schools have close to one-onone teaching and athletic programs. This all came home to me when our son, who was 14 at the time, was in a threewheeler wreck. He was in the hospital for seven weeks. Out of a town of about 700 people, about 200 came to visit him during that time. When someone is down, they help you up.”

Vicki said that when their children were growing up and living at home, “We always left the porch light on until everyone was home safely. We still leave the porch light on at night. It may sound silly, but it’s there to let family know that someone there loves them. Only when they’re visiting here and everyone’s home does it go out.”

Over the years she has been active in a variety of local organizations. She was president of PTA, and was named “Neighbor of the Year” for Celeste. She is still active in their church, Celeste United Methodist, where she is a Sunday school teacher and a lay leader.

“I’m married to an addictive volunteer,” said her husband. “When she volunteers, I’m a volunteer. She has said when she volunteers for something, my back starts hurting.”

Sammy is also active in their church and is now on the finance committee and a trustee, as well as being treasurer of the Masonic lodge and a former lodge Master.

The couple had a book-signing on May 30 to benefit the Celeste Public Library. As luck would have it, this was a Saturday morning when the clouds opened up and rain poured down for some time. Even so, a large group of friends carrying umbrellas came out to support them, they said.

Looking at their second career as published writers, Vicki said, “We want to encourage everyone to follow their dreams, whatever they are.”

“I’m paraphrasing Dear Abby when I say this, but go ahead and take a chance,” Sammy advised. “Don’t say you’re too old. Go ahead. You’ll get older whether you do anything or not.”“Jest the Two of Us” by Sammy and Vicki Griffis is available in both paperback and Kindle on amazon.com and copies are also at the Celeste Insurance Agency.

Vicki and Sammy Griffis have combined columns they wrote for the Celeste Tribune into a newly published book that focuses on family and small-town life.

Carol Ferguson / Herald-Banner

http://www.amazon.com/Jest-Two-Us-Humorous-Columns/dp/1507560818

We're Tripping!

The story began several months ago when my wife, Vicki, told me she wanted to go somewhere for our 40th wedding anniversary. 

Oh, great, I thought, she’s going to want to go to a movie and probably to the Saltgrass Steak House.

But I said, “Sure, anywhere you want to go is fine with me.”
I may have misspoken a little, because about an hour later, Vicki handed me about twenty pages of MapQuest printouts.

“What is this?” I asked.

“It’s our trip!” she exclaimed. “Here, let me show you! We’ll start by going to California to see our son. Jeff will love having us. From there, we will go up the Pacific coast to Washington to see your side of the family and then straight across to Wisconsin to see our nephew and niece. Of course, when we go through Oregon, I want to take a detour to see my friend in Sixes. After we leave Washington, I thought we would want to go to South Dakota to take a quick look at Mount Rushmore and drop by the Mall of America in Minnesota. It will be way fun!”

“Yeah, it is way, alright. . .way out of the question,” I murmured as I flipped through the MapQuest pages.

To see who won this battle, read I'm Tripping by Sammy Griffis in Jest the Two of Us, in paperback or Kindle.

http://www.amazon.com/Jest-Two-Us-Humorous-Columns/dp/1507560818

Fun at the Hunt County Fair

Thanks, Kiddos!

http://www.amazon.com/Jest-Two-Us-Humorous-Columns/dp/1507560818/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1430415898&sr=1-1&keywords=Jest+the+two+of+us

Jest the Two of Us - Birthed this baby!

In Jest the Two of Us, Sammy and Vicki Ellis Griffis share the funnies of their lives about their rural childhood, mischievous teens, and their opposites-attract marriage that everyone said would never last. 

They chronicle the adolescent adventures of their children and grandchildren who have endured their sometimes warped sense of humor with their heads held high and their therapists on speed dial. 

Their 6,000 mile road trip, “We’re Tripping,” where Vicki is soaring above the clouds while Sammy is along for the ride . . . only because he is married  . . will have you. . .well. . .tripping. 

You will be entertained by Vicki’s horrifying but hilariously funny account, “What, Me Worry?” a tale of the woe of a mother whose daughter has just asked to go on a date—all alone—with a boy—in a car. 

You will cringe with her husband and grandson as she admits her embarrassing, yet totally exhilarating addiction to yelling at referees in her award-winning short story, “I Can Quit Anytime I Want To.” 

“Elvis, You are a Friend of Mine,” Sammy’s humorous account of the similarities between him and Elvis such as, “He was tall and good-looking. . .I am tall and . . .well, I am tall,” will have you all shook up. 

In “PopPop Won’t Quit Singing,” Sammy telling the grandchildren, “If ya’ll don’t quit fighting, I will start singing songs, and I know a hundred of them,” will have you singing his praises. 

In Jest the Two of Us, you will find many other accounts, seasoned with humor and sprinkled with life, that will make you laugh, make you think, and yes, maybe even shed a tear or two.

A FUNNY THING HAPPENED ON THE WAY TO 2015

By Vicki Ellis Griffis

Wow, do the years just get crazier and crazier, or is it just me? I know they fly by faster.

As more and more disturbing sadnesses occurred in 2014 such as:  Missing airplanes, ebola, droughts, Isis beheadings, and losses of such characters as Robin Williams, Phillip Seymore Hoffman, Joan Rivers, Casey Kasem, and Shirley Temple,

I found that more and more I needed to be carried away from reality with a good laugh. Not just a chuckle, but something that really cracked me up. 

So, I set out to listen for, discover, and create every opportunity I could find to laugh and make others start their day laughing, too.

Here are some of my favorites of 2014: 

 1.  I am proud to say I have obtained the first thing on my bucket list . . . the bucket.

 2.  Friend:    Sammy, did you go to New York with Vicki?               

      Sammy:  No, but I went to the Dairy Queen while she was gone.   

      Friend:    I didn’t see you post it on Facebook. 

      Sammy:  I don’t like to brag.

3.  When someone asks me what I did over the weekend, I always ask, “Why, what 

      did you hear?”

 4.  Sammy gets all the luxury he can handle by driving whatever car I think makes him 

      look the  most married.

 5.  Moisturizing . . . because I am still not ready to accept, “For your age,” as a compliment.

 6.  I still haven’t cashed in my winning megamillions ticket . . . scared the $6 will make my

      friends treat me differently.

 7.  Help, I am a young woman stuck in a Golden Girls body.

 8.  I am “My selfie would look better without me in it” years old.

 9.  Sammy said he loved a girl with personality . . . and I have several . . . so, win-win!

10.  Me:   You pay more attention to the TV than you do me.

       Him:  Ma’am, do you want me to fix your cable or not?

11.  How do I like my eggs? Umm . . . in a cake.

12.  Walking into Walmart with my grandkids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”

13.  Sammy doused me in the ice bucket challenge. I’m a little confused. Has anyone

       else been asked to hold a toaster at the same time?

14.  I won’t say someone does not like me, but I just got nominated for the boiling 

       water bucket challenge.

15.  If you go walking with me, you better be prepared to walk a lot.

16.  Remember children, the best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for 

       a baby brother.

17.  Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.

18.  Sammy says my reality check bounced.

19.  Life status: My therapist goes to see her therapist five minutes after I leave.

20.  I learned sign language so I could continue to fight with Sammy while giving him 

       the silent treatment.

21. Sammy: I cannot join Facebook because I might send something, then wish I could

      take it back.

      Me:        If you do, just pray, “Father, forgive me for I have sent.”

22.  I don’t refer to them as the voices in my head, I call them, My team of writers.

23.  I am happy, but not “Oprah just told me to look under my chair” happy.

24.  I don’t think I get enough credit for doing everything I do while being unmedicated.

25.  Don’t get any thieves at our house. Our doorbell is a recording of a shotgun being racked.

26.  Can you throw your back out while sucking your belly in? Asking for a friend.

27.  Cute guy waves at me in their car . . . I wave back, flattered . . .  Oops, he was just

       putting his sun visor down . . . my bad!

28.  My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell. Well, she actually told me to eat “less

       McDonalds,” but I knew what she meant.  

29.  Sammy driving through Kingston . . . sees where they changed the speed limit sign

       to 60. . .looks at speedometer and says, “Uh, Oh, I am going 62 . . . Oh, yeah, 

       I am still WILD!”

And one last one to wish you a Happy New Year and many more happys on:

30.  Sammy:    Vicki, if there is one thing that bugs me about you, it is . . .

        Vicki:       . . . that I finish your sentences?

        Sammy:   Uh . . .  yeah, that, too.

HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPYS OF 2013

by Vicki Ellis Griffis

Wow, what a year! 2013—blinked and Ta-Da—2014.

2013, a year where we almost fell off the fiscal cliff. . .well, sadly, Lance Armstrong did. The Pope resigned. . .the new Pope, who is the first pope from the Americas, turns out to be a cool guy—of the people, by the people, for the people—unlike the NSA who had recorded things some may have needed to go to confession for. . .like Anthony Weiner. . .and Mylie Cyrus. . .What Twerks! There was so much more, like 3D printers which printed human ears, a man disappearing along with his house into a sink hole in Florida, and earthquakes in Texas. . .Oh, my! Okay, enough about reality. . .except for Duck Dynasty. . .well—enough about Ducks—What Does the Fox Say?

Well, thanks for asking. . .and the compliment. . .haven’t been called a Fox in ever so long! Well, this Fox says, “My rant was about as crazy as 2013, so what say ye? Let’s ditch all the real stuff and have a laugh from me. . .and my witty family and friends. . .and a few anonymous posts who kept me laughing at things I wish I had thought up.”

Sit back and enjoy our top favorite posts of 2013:

1. I just got called a “pretty young lady” from a 95-year-old man. Guess who just brought sexy back?
2. Well, maybe I brought sexy backwards.
3. According to customer service I cannot bring sexy back. . .without the receipt. . .apparently.
4. I do try to keep in shape. Why, I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. They were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls; but still, I'm exhausted.
5. Anyhow, for 2014, my fitness goal is to weigh what I told the DMV I weigh.
6. I started this morning with my daily mantra: I will not eat a donut. . .I will not eat a donut. . .I will not eat. . .I will not eat a third donut. . .I will not eat a third donut.
7. My New Year's resolution was to lose 30 pounds by the end of 2013. I've only got 40 more pounds to go.
8. I just got finished doing 5 sets of diddly squats.
9. I do all my own stunts, but rarely intentionally.
10. My doctor told me that jogging would add ten years to my life. She's right! I feel ten years older already!
11. Oh, well, I never thought I’d be the type of person who would get up early in the morning to exercise. . .I was right.
12. Does running out of money count as exercise?
13. Changing the subject quickly, apparently walking up behind a guy in the produce aisle with celery in my hand and saying, “I'm stalking you,” was way funnier in my head.
14. My daughter told me my grandkids are becoming obsessed with computer games and that while they are at my house, I need to work with them on it. I'm like, “I do—I'm player 2.”
15. How many of you remember when YOU were the television remote?
16. Sammy says: Vicki complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she's all, “Stop it, you're driving too fast! We're on a bridge!”
17. Watching “Hoarders” makes me look around my house and say, “Hey! At least all of my cats are alive.”
18. I hear about all those wives who can do everything, and I think . . . hey, I should have them do some stuff for me!
19. I tried killing a spider with hairspray. He’s still alive, but his hair looks amazing!
20. We will never forget the Ice Storm of 2013. Why, Sammy has it so cold in here I think I am going to have to salt the hallway.
21. Could be worse. In 1967, it was ten degrees, and I was walking to school in the ice and snow. . . uphill, both ways!
22. During these cold spells, there are many different ways one can save energy. . .I normally use the recliner.
23. Just for your information, you aren't considered elderly. . .until you've been caught rinsing off a paper plate.
24. But, if you're wondering about my cooking skills, I've been asked to bring paper towels to our Christmas party.
25. You guys know I'm not one to brag, but my cooking is “to die from.”
26. Guys, you let women in the military, but say you don't know if they can fight on the front lines. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, “You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.” Mission accomplished!
27. Guys, when she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You're experiencing what scientists refer to as, “The eye of the storm.”
28. Guys, if your wife asks you, “What would you do without me?” “Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.
29. I'm gonna say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
30. Look, little Missy, before you debate with me, just remember I have been around the block a few times. . .I forgot where I lived. . .but, hey. . .Just saying!
31. Listen, I’m a girly girl. So, please don’t ask me what a transmission is. . .because I don’t know anything about sports.
32. And my favorite post I wish I had written, “I’ve often wondered what an atheist would do if stuck behind a car that wasn’t moving at a green light and had a bumper sticker on it that read, “Honk if you love Jesus.”

Hope you had a happy, happy, happy time with a few of my favorites. Here’s to many more happy, happy, happys this year. . .and for many years to come!

I’m Just Saying!   

THE FUNNY-HA-HA OF 2012

 

 By Vicki Ellis Griffis

If you are reading this, you have survived the Mayan Apocalypse. I don’t want to brag or anything, but that was the tenth Apocalypse I have survived.

2012 is just a memory now. Wow, I have to say, it has been one of the craziest years I have ever lived through, from pink slime to politics (some would say a different kind of slime), to bad weather and gun tragedies. So much reality going on, I thought I would start 2013 on a lighter note, and share my top 25 things I have written, heard, or borrowed in 2012:   

1.     The difference in our grandmother's kitchen and our kitchens:

Our grandmothers put their pies on the windowsill to cool. We put our pies on the  windowsill to thaw.

2.     Stefani, I don't mind going to work. It's that eight-hour wait to go home that bugs me. And by the way, just remember, I don’t work on days that end with Y.

3.     Seriously, one day I am going to retire and live off my savings. What I am going to do the second day I have no idea!

4.     Speaking of savings, my bank lets me send a text message, and it'll text back with my balance. It's a cool feature, but I don’t think the LOL is necessary.

5.     When I wake up each morning, I want to be so full of Jesus that when a mosquito bites me, he goes away singing, "There is Power in the blood!”

6.     Am I the only one who watches their garage door close completely just in case a murderer rolls under there at the last minute?

7.     I think they should offer free bungee jumps for Congress, no strings attached.

8.     I've never been skydiving, but I have zoomed in on Google Earth really, really fast.

9.     I just bought another 8-pack of toilet paper. Well, that's another $10 down the toilet.

10.  A friend in our Sunday School Class asked Sammy, “What are you doing after church?”                

     Sammy replied, “I am doing what the little voices inside Vicki’s head tell me to do.”

11.  Everyone else can have runny noses, their eyes shut, or food in their teeth, but if I look skinny, it is a GREAT group photo.

12.  Most awkward moment – when I was checking in the window of the car parked beside me to see if my lipstick was smeared and realized there was someone inside.

13.  I went to the Kwik Chek this morning and asked for $5 worth of gas. The clerk burped and handed me a receipt.

14.  Dear Lord, please forgive me for the words I said in hunger!

15.  Every guy thinks a girl’s perfect dream is to meet the perfect guy. Psh! Every girl’s dream is to eat whatever they want and not get fat.

16.  How would you diagnose a woman who walks back and forth screaming at the top of her lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next? Manic depressive? No, she's probably a basketball coach!

17.  You can tell a lot from a woman’s hands. If they are around your neck, you have probably ticked her off.

18.  Marriage – betting someone half your stuff that they will love you forever.

19.  Whatever you do, always give 100% . . . unless you are donating blood.

20.  The Wizard of Oz is the ultimate chick-flick– two women trying to kill each other over shoes!

21.  Don’t get your knickers in a knot . . . it does not solve anything and makes you sit funny.

22.  I got gas yesterday for $1.79 – gotta love pinto beans.

23.  Sammy says if a man says he'll fix it; he will. There is no need to remind him every 6 months about it.

24.  It is important to have a twinkle in your wrinkles.

25. Life is short – smile while you still have teeth.

 As you head into 2013 like a bull in a China shop, take the time to remember the things that make you laugh till tears roll down your legs, and live life by the best lyrics I heard all year, written by Lee Brice:

 Go to work. Do your best. Don't outsmart your common sense. Never let your praying knees get lazy, and love like crazy!