HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPYS OF 2013

by Vicki Ellis Griffis

Wow, what a year! 2013—blinked and Ta-Da—2014.

2013, a year where we almost fell off the fiscal cliff. . .well, sadly, Lance Armstrong did. The Pope resigned. . .the new Pope, who is the first pope from the Americas, turns out to be a cool guy—of the people, by the people, for the people—unlike the NSA who had recorded things some may have needed to go to confession for. . .like Anthony Weiner. . .and Mylie Cyrus. . .What Twerks! There was so much more, like 3D printers which printed human ears, a man disappearing along with his house into a sink hole in Florida, and earthquakes in Texas. . .Oh, my! Okay, enough about reality. . .except for Duck Dynasty. . .well—enough about Ducks—What Does the Fox Say?

Well, thanks for asking. . .and the compliment. . .haven’t been called a Fox in ever so long! Well, this Fox says, “My rant was about as crazy as 2013, so what say ye? Let’s ditch all the real stuff and have a laugh from me. . .and my witty family and friends. . .and a few anonymous posts who kept me laughing at things I wish I had thought up.”

Sit back and enjoy our top favorite posts of 2013:

1. I just got called a “pretty young lady” from a 95-year-old man. Guess who just brought sexy back?
2. Well, maybe I brought sexy backwards.
3. According to customer service I cannot bring sexy back. . .without the receipt. . .apparently.
4. I do try to keep in shape. Why, I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. They were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls; but still, I'm exhausted.
5. Anyhow, for 2014, my fitness goal is to weigh what I told the DMV I weigh.
6. I started this morning with my daily mantra: I will not eat a donut. . .I will not eat a donut. . .I will not eat. . .I will not eat a third donut. . .I will not eat a third donut.
7. My New Year's resolution was to lose 30 pounds by the end of 2013. I've only got 40 more pounds to go.
8. I just got finished doing 5 sets of diddly squats.
9. I do all my own stunts, but rarely intentionally.
10. My doctor told me that jogging would add ten years to my life. She's right! I feel ten years older already!
11. Oh, well, I never thought I’d be the type of person who would get up early in the morning to exercise. . .I was right.
12. Does running out of money count as exercise?
13. Changing the subject quickly, apparently walking up behind a guy in the produce aisle with celery in my hand and saying, “I'm stalking you,” was way funnier in my head.
14. My daughter told me my grandkids are becoming obsessed with computer games and that while they are at my house, I need to work with them on it. I'm like, “I do—I'm player 2.”
15. How many of you remember when YOU were the television remote?
16. Sammy says: Vicki complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she's all, “Stop it, you're driving too fast! We're on a bridge!”
17. Watching “Hoarders” makes me look around my house and say, “Hey! At least all of my cats are alive.”
18. I hear about all those wives who can do everything, and I think . . . hey, I should have them do some stuff for me!
19. I tried killing a spider with hairspray. He’s still alive, but his hair looks amazing!
20. We will never forget the Ice Storm of 2013. Why, Sammy has it so cold in here I think I am going to have to salt the hallway.
21. Could be worse. In 1967, it was ten degrees, and I was walking to school in the ice and snow. . . uphill, both ways!
22. During these cold spells, there are many different ways one can save energy. . .I normally use the recliner.
23. Just for your information, you aren't considered elderly. . .until you've been caught rinsing off a paper plate.
24. But, if you're wondering about my cooking skills, I've been asked to bring paper towels to our Christmas party.
25. You guys know I'm not one to brag, but my cooking is “to die from.”
26. Guys, you let women in the military, but say you don't know if they can fight on the front lines. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, “You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.” Mission accomplished!
27. Guys, when she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You're experiencing what scientists refer to as, “The eye of the storm.”
28. Guys, if your wife asks you, “What would you do without me?” “Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.
29. I'm gonna say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
30. Look, little Missy, before you debate with me, just remember I have been around the block a few times. . .I forgot where I lived. . .but, hey. . .Just saying!
31. Listen, I’m a girly girl. So, please don’t ask me what a transmission is. . .because I don’t know anything about sports.
32. And my favorite post I wish I had written, “I’ve often wondered what an atheist would do if stuck behind a car that wasn’t moving at a green light and had a bumper sticker on it that read, “Honk if you love Jesus.”

Hope you had a happy, happy, happy time with a few of my favorites. Here’s to many more happy, happy, happys this year. . .and for many years to come!

I’m Just Saying!